At a Loss

I sit here tonight at a loss for words on the eve of the 3rd year anniversary of my dad's death. It was such a vivid night, February 16th, 2006. The phone call from my mom that I had dreaded all my life. She didn't tell me he had passed but I just knew in my heart for it to be true. I drove to the hospital alone, praying to God that it wasn't his time. As I walked into the hospital to meet with my mom, I could see it in her eyes that this was it. I just kept saying no. NO!!! I'm not ready to face life without my dad.

I miss him everyday. Everyday for the last 3 years. The tears I have running down my face are just as painful as the day he passed. It's hard to believe it has been 3 years. Whoever said it gets easier as time passes was wrong. It's not any easier. The only peace I get is knowing he is no longer in pain.

This song by Luther Vandross I played for my dad at his funeral. It's called "Dance with my Father."

Back when I was a child, before life removed all the innocence
My father would lift me high and dance with my mother and me and then
Spin me around ‘til I fell asleep
Then up the stairs he would carry me
And I knew for sure I was loved
If I could get another chance, another walk, another dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
How I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again
When I and my mother would disagree
To get my way, I would run from her to him
He’d make me laugh just to comfort me
Then finally make me do just what my mama said
Later that night when I was asleep
He left a dollar under my sheet
Never dreamed that he would be gone from me
If I could steal one final glance, one final step, one final dance with him
I’d play a song that would never, ever end
‘Cause I’d love, love, love
To dance with my father again
Sometimes I’d listen outside her door
And I’d hear how my mother cried for him
I pray for her even more than me
I pray for her even more than me
I know I’m praying for much too much
But could you send back the only man she loved
I know you don’t do it usually
But dear Lord she’s dying
To dance with my father again
Every night I fall asleep and this is all I ever dream